Gaia Community: B.B.'s Blog

What are you saving?

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 11:24:05 -0000

Not much.

I have a little leather box,and in it is a crystal heart that belonged to her and her,a tiny pair of shoes,and some locks of hair. I'm not sure why I kept the hair,since I run my hands through the new batch everyday.

I am not a saver but I do like to savor ,so some books that get re-read,some pictures,a few DVDs. I am one of those people who gets edgey when her house gets cluttered. It messes with me. I like chaos the kind you find in the forest or in pictures,but clean space with echos makes me feel divine,melting into photos of the prairies or the desert where nothing is kept,nothing is saved ,and here barefoot walking with my eyes closed , that is until I step on a piece of K'nex and am sucked back into reality.

How do you make decisions?

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 11:39:03 -0000

Depending on what point in my life your asking about,answers range from poorly to brilliantly.

Note to world....Don't come to me for advice let your fuck ups ,and masterpieces be all your own.

Own them baby own them ;-)

What is amazing about today?

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 11:57:50 -0000

lost thoughts that weren't really lost but laid quiet and were woken by smells or music,or color, and for briefs moments those who have gone are with me again.

how anything can be a canvas,walls,and sidewalks and paper and windows,souls

early morning mist ,and the rare silence of a city

them

coffee in hand,here

What was I saying?

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 01:43:08 -0000

At any given moment in this house you can find two to four conversations going at once.

They can be anything from , hot topics on the news to what's your favorite color.

Where does what's your favorite come from anyways? the children ask me these types of questions all the time,or tell me

"My favorite fruit is a banana." "What's yours mommy?"

"My favorite color is pink." "What's your favorite color?"

I don't have favorites or at least I tell myself that,it's more like right this minute I'm digging pineapple,and violet but tomorrow it might be apples and blue.

Oh yeah back to conversations and how I now go off topic all the time,feeling like I'm channeling my inner 4 yr old....and wondering is this permanent ?

A form of adult AOADD,or Adult Onset Attention Deficit Disorder ,if it doesn't exist it does now . My conversational skills shot out so far into space that I might have to say no to any party invites in the future or maybe wear a sign that says "Can only stay on topic for 5 mins ,10 max." and end all conversations with 'BTW my favorite color is indigo today."

This will probably morph into something else as I age.....who knows what, perhaps a mute phase where all I do as nod my head and smile,then proceed to fall asleep.

My grandmother was like that letting everyone talk and she just smiling ,then out like a light. All those years of juggling a zillion convos and favorite this and that's of 4yr olds,and adults,finally ending with a cup of tea and a nap.

What was the last song you sang?

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 11:20:28 -0000

Last night ,Take it to the Limit, by the Eagles, I think I sounded pretty good too.

How can you create more joy around you?

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 11:04:58 -0000

I went out shopping yesterday. I found this really cute grey wool shift/shirt. When I got to the cash to pay for it there was a lady in line ahead of me. Her card was declined . I have no idea what she bought it was already in the bag. She had some money on her but was short six bucks,so I spoke up and said how this had happened to me too,and how nice it was that a stranger chipped in,and really how happy it would make me if I could repay the favor a stranger had done for me. She accepted,and thanked me at least five times.

So I paid for my cute little grey number and left the store but not before the cashier telling me how nice I was.

Nice is not a word I use to describe myself,having lived is more like it.

I have been short $4:35 cents for a medication and a the pharmacist let it pass. I have dressed my first born in some amazing clothes stocked aside by the ladies at the Salvation Army. I have cried by myself in the metro after a fight I had with a boyfriend and a stranger sat with me and listened. I have family and friends that do things and say things that take my breath with joy.

I don't think you can create someone else's happiness,but you can spread the message by remembering your own humanity and sharing it.

Princess

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 02:26:39 -0000

Mommy help me put this on.

She has been wearing her halloween costume since Friday. Only taking off for baths,and preschool.

There are lots of costumes around here some that even have wings (my faves) but this one has captured her like no other.

Pink and lighter pink,with gold and tulle. A tiara that has these fake pearls and rhinestones that even Liberace would shy away from,but not her.

She has taken to sleeping in it. I worked all week-end and when I came home some time Sunday morning there she was still in it. My first thought was she hasn't had a bath since Friday,I looked at her then my husband and smiled.

He is an amazing father,she is an amazing daughter.

I don't recall much about how I felt before she was born. This happens to me often in my life unable or unwilling to remember what I felt before they came into this world. Two sons and a daughter,that fit so perfect it makes me cry. A husband who goes with the flow,so effortlessly that I now believe we catch these wonderful viruses from the people we love,that let us accept the extraordinary as normal,and a Sunday morning looking at a daughter dressed as a princess,dancing with a pancake in one hand ,as destiny.

So tonight watching her sleep, chubby cheeks that I kiss so much it's a miracle they aren't chapped,dressed in a costume that I'm not even sure how to wash,makes me feel blessed like I have never felt in my life,or at least I don't remember post motherhood.

She is a princess , my princess, a sight to behold like no other.

What is your relationship to waiting?

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 10:04:58 -0000

Not a very amicable one.

Sons and dreams and soulful kisses

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 15:38:15 -0000

" I think he won,cuz it says he has 170 and all there are,are 270,I think that's what it means"

" Do you know how it works?"

" Nope."

" Do you know how football works?"

" Nope."

" But if he won they would say he won right?"

' I think so."

" Nico's coming later,he'll know."

" I want to change my haircolor."

" Me too."

" 'OMG I think I'll cut it really short and let it grow in white. Is there a hair color that glows in the dark."

" You're nuts "

" Yum nuts,I feel like cashews."

Silence while Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper talk

" I'll call you tomorrow."

" Ciao'

There is a knock at the door, it's Nico.

" Thank goodness you're here,like I have know idea what's going on but I think Obama won."

" Mom it's too early to know the polls just closed on the east coast."

" I know but it says like he has a 100 and something,and all there are a re 270."

He gives me a big hug and smiles.

" He needs 270 to win."

" I don't understand."

So we sit down he checks out the Cnn dialogue,and projections coming in and all the stuff that's flying so far over my head I'm wondering if deep down inside i've fooled myself all these years into thinking I'm intelligent,and then looks at me and talks.

I now understand all about electoral colleges,and the senate,and why Mccain losing Pennsylvania is sad,and how Wyoming only has 3 seats and why Florida is so important,and how it appears if you live in tornado alley you vote republican,and I would be a Democrat if I lived in the states,heck I am a democrat,it's just we call ourselves liberals here.

We watched together for hours,me savouring every little number change as the ticker went up way up and so did my spirits getting caught up in a moment .

Then came time for McCain to speak,and it was a generous speech,a classy speech,a speech that make me think all the conspiracy theories are nuts....yum nuts.

I'm feeling people are people no matter where they live and even if my passport says Canadian I could be from anywhere,and if my hair glowed in the dark you could see me anywhere too,and then Obama came out and spoke,a speech that set me aglow,and he kissed his wife and I do believe they exchange kisses that touch each others souls and soulful kisses are a prerequisite to being a good leader ,that and starting fires without matches ,and he can do that too,cuz i'm still on fire from the wonder of it.

Later in the evening while things were winding down Nico started to explain football to me. He is an excellent teacher,I told him so. Told him how honored I am that he is my son,how much it means to me that we can share these things,me still excited at 108 ;-)him still excited at 24,still full of possibility,dreams that manifest out of nowhere but really come from far away,and the surprises this life holds in store to those of us who believe in ourselves and others.

each step a brick,shout out to Tara,shout out to Obama

What's the best thing you've lost?

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:16:39 -0000

A map

What would it take for someone to be you for Halloween?

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 10:17:13 -0000

swear,swear a lot.

Spend way too much money on things that smell good.

Make sure to wear an iPod (white)

Jeans,t-shirt,brown Uggs,and that brown sweater thingy that no one likes but you.

Since we're sporting a zit,no make that the biggest pimple ever,carry concealer.

Exaggerate size of everything

Carry coffee mug,and look like you are thinking then when people ask you "What are you thinking ?" tell them "answer to Q&R"

Oh yeah smile,cuz I smile often

October the 30th

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 22:25:23 -0000

O.K. last blog on subject

Aside from witches and princesses nothing says Halloween more than Vampires.

My show of the moment and a theme song to die for ;-)

What do you do when you have a day off?

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 16:35:00 -0000

I go some place where no one asks me to wipe their bum.

Candles make mommy cool

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 23:38:10 -0000

I suck when it comes to carving a pumpkin. I've gotten kits and templates and all the gadgets and still it never looks like the picture,although those little trowels to extract the pumpkin guts are marvelous,Nobel prize to the inventor please. So this year I decided to carve free style. This has taken off any pressure to produce a squashy masterpiece

I wonder is there a hybrid without seeds and slime? Or at least seeds that come out of Jack o Lantern shelled and roasted. I'm ambivalent about the feel,all that slime,do I like it or not? I'm not sure. The smell is fun though,and gosh an abundance of memories.

So I eyed the orange marvels,balancing between the Charlie Brown/Martha Stewart approach to picking one,eyeing the lopsided,misshapen woobly one and the row or perfect specimens. Charlie Brown wins again.

Even before the carving started I had rolled face cloth in orange craft paper to immobilise it,since visions of me cutting myself as the children looked on was a little too halloween.

Regardless of how good the knife is you need to place pressure to cut and that's where the art of it comes in,or in my case lack of. Ooops and ooops again,and a lopsided smile and triangle eyes and me wondering if this could be termed as vegetable abuse,or if pumpkin wonders what the heck this crazy lady is doing carving it up.

Finally finished the children looked at it and smiled...what no applause or ooohs and ahhhs. I just risked limb to produce masterpiece and nothing...until I placed a candle in it,and turned off the lights. Silence then smiles and wows and even hugs and excitement. It gets lit up ever evening and is doing well,no real sign of pumpkin fatigue yet,just this cute orange guy,with the lopsided smile surrounded by these beautiful kids ,and me ,this cool mamma who understands the magic of candles.

What have you overvalued in life?

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 10:42:51 -0000

That things should match....

Scary things I've noticed this week

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 21:32:40 -0000

I now understand why autumn is called fall, more correctly my ass now knows why it's called fall.

Wet leaves,me rubbernecking the sights and poof,butt meet sidewalk.

After the initial surprise, I was up on my feet,moving all my limbs to make sure there was no damage,looking around to see if anyone noticed....no one,ego intact :-)

We did the big fall sweep today. I've been slacking for a few days....actually spent yesterday in bed watching cheesy horror flicks,thanks to hubby who every once in awhile encourages such behaviour. Hmmm what to do to have him encourage this behaviour everyday ?

Not all the films were cheesy I watched Repulsion again for like the 30th time thinking I've never actually sat through the entire film. it's a good film and I really liked the scene where Catherine Deneuve "slips" while cutting that ladies cuticles,and after her colleague talks about the film she saw and imitates Charlie Chaplin,humor and horror ,a match made in somewhere. And a reminder it's time for a mani pedi.

Oh yeah back to scary stuff this week ( this whole blog is self indulgence...maybe all of them are),anyways the big tidy today and how if I go a couple of days without sweeping under the children's bed I find these unique life forms like little quirky presents . Bananas rot real quick and they melt funny too ,a special gloop that can only be classified as dark fruity glue. Glue that is a magnet for dust and synthetic fur on animals that are played with but not loved enough to be looked for at bedtime. I feel sad for them,like a form of toy neglect or something. Maybe I should start sleeping with them. My bed,the orphanage of neglected toys.

I also emptied the last drawer in fridge. Wondering how come I put raisins in refrigerator and then realized they were grapes...ooops. Got me thinking I need a system when putting away groceries...the "I will get to them tomorrow" one apparently isn't working. So fridge is a little scary too.

As we were taking the plastic boxes down to the basement the phone rang ( mechanic) and The Bugman went to answer it leaving me to enter "The Room". I never go in there. It's filled with tools,and a compressor that switches on and off making the loudest humm.

He likes to collect tools and I never say anything even though I have my suspicions about how many of them he actually uses. Figuring if he ever comments on clothes I buy for the children,or bath stuff I can whip it out as a form of rebuttle.

So here I am in the room,and it truly is like every freaking cheesy horror flick I have ever seen that involves spider webs and power tools,except there is a stuffed animal to up the creepy factor. All that's missing is a child's voice calling my name. he appears and smiles. he doing the car thing,I think it's the heater that's broken and it's getting fixed and i don't even drive but he insists we need a car so we have one and I like it when it's -40 and he picks me up or takes me somewhere when my eco-chick takes a break from public transport,plus he's loads cuter than any bus driver.

Now what else has been scary this week,ah yeah all the talk about money. If i listen it freaks me out but if I don't listen it's buisness as usual so scratch freaking news with talk about the cute babe who's ridiculed on Saturday Night Live and the assasination attempts foiled for the cute dude who might just make it to the White House and why do I ever get sucked in anyways?

Halloween is in three days and the costumes are looked at every night by the kids and the only scary thing is it is suppose to snow and who cares cuz we'll put on boots and scout the area for candy anyways.

What are you excited about?

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 11:07:24 -0000

What lies ahead? What are you anticipating? What are you most looking forward to?

Life as art.

There was this cafe I went to years and years ago. I remember sitting there,19 and pregnant. I remember what I was drinking...a cafe mocha,I remember what I was eating...a croissant. I also remember how I was feeling,afraid, angry,confused,but I also remember thinking how calm the place could make me feel,and going this was an oasis to the stuff that was going down around me.

The tinkle of glasses,the smells the music.

I left it behind ,left the city, left for four years.

A few months after I got back,I passed the cafe and went in. The employees were different ,the menu the music but still it felt nice,still had this strange focused feel to it.

I applied for a job,no actually demanded one since the owner said he didn't need anyone at the moment. I was willing to take any shift available. He hired me and I started the next day. I worked there for about a year,before I went back to school. It was one of the best jobs I ever had.

I still see three of the people I worked with regularily,and one of them almost everyday plus a phone call at night. BFF's ;-)

I get excited about this life. Often after the fact. I carry few expectations and love much of the process of it,even if I don't understand it.

Maybe the excitement is bc I don't understand and really care less and less about that aspect of it. Letting go of the few expectations I had and finding myself getting caught up in a million moments. This life is art. The focus shifting always, and looking different when the light changes,when i am up close or pull away,and my heart...

Life is art,creating with tools I pick up along the way,using any medium available and every once in awhile really connecting with what is created cuz I did it with my heart and didn't even notice.

Do you know your purpose in life?

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 11:35:59 -0000

Holey moley. What a question for a Thursday morning.

For a very long time I really thought I was suppose to have a mission a purpose. It was like where is this purpose everyone talks about. What does it feel like.

Is it like I'll get out of bed one morning,and holy crap B.B. meet your purpose.

It would probably go something like this.

"Psssssst,B. you awake?"

"WTF,who are you. How did you get in here?"

"Excuse me I didn't want to frighten you ."

" If you come any nearer I'll scream!"

"Calm down B.B. I'm your purpose :-)"

"Really?"

"Really."

"You do look familiar. OMG you look just like me."

"Cool eh? Now that you have calmed down a bit I would like to talk to you."

"Well it's about time! Do you realize how long I have been looking for you?

I start to cry with relief,and The Purpose wipes the tears away with her hands and holds me in her arms,and rocks gently.

A little while later I look up

" So tell me what is my purpose?"

" Think to last night when the children crawled into bed with you and fell asleep. When your husband came in and kissed you then led you out of the bedroom and you curled up on the couch. How you felt knowing the children were in the other room asleep,beautiful,happy,how it felt to be in his arms,how it all makes sense when you think of nothing and instead feel your life. Remember the other day when you went to vote,and even after feeling upset,for a moment you looked up as the wind swept a million leaves into flight and you cried from the sheer beauty of it.?"

"Yes."

"That's your purpose."

" I'm confused."

" I understand,things that are simple are often the things that get so complicated. So maybe just maybe if you stop being so hard on yourself and instead take that time to feel everything that confusion will slowly slip away. Thinking is a marvelous thing but it often gets in the way,remember that bc soon you will be going back to school,thinking is good but feeling is life."

"Well now I'm up would you like a Cafe au Lait ?"

"Yes please,in a bowl."

"That's how I drink it too :-)"

" I know :-)"

How do you keep yourself busy?

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 11:25:50 -0000

What does busy mean to me?

Well the first thought was "Busy as a bee." Or in my case busy as a B.B.

It does evoke a feeling of kinetic something.

Heart beating 5-10 beats more a minute .

Not full on tachycardia but out of my norm all the same.

When deliberately keeping myself busy it is usually bc I am not sitting well with my thoughts or the winds that are stirring around me. On more than 1...1000 occasions I have found myself opting to work just to keep myself occupied. That is when sleep is not an option.

Moving myself out of anything but the moment.

It's not that I am avoiding it so much as I am giving myself time to react. In some cases this is a wise choice. Other times it can be prolonging the inevitable. I usually know the difference,but may still opt for distance anyways.

Maybe working is my meditation,my way to focus out so I can come back in to focus in. Busy being a place I go to leave some where else...just for a bit

What have you learned from moving?

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:38:14 -0000

It keeps you warm