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November 2009 
What makes you feel most free?
Posted on Sep 5th, 2009
by 
B.B.
B.B.
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for September 05, 2009:
Free of what static cling,lint free,free enough,free t-shirts with purchase...........free of restraint,free to be me,really that's a given.
at times it can be quite restrictive being me,nothing free about it,I pay a price inhabiting this earth,I can pick my own heart out of a line up,I can feel it beat and sometimes it feels heavy literally lourd,like a weight sinking sinking........
People who qualify their existence with "I am free" pique my interest,really you are free,how did you do that ? What's it feel like? Is there one of those state of the art robots living under your human skin,I am not free and I can be a bitch
As a teenager while filled with the prerequisite angst I found myself attracted to people who appeared free,the dynamic was otherwordly,many of us are still friends, still see each other still talk on the phone. It was an illusion they weren't free and my angst well....not quite disappearing completely,discovered itself in an embrace,accepted and loved,it also found the magical island of I Don't Give a Fuck,inhabited by amazingly strong and funny people,radiating relief and eagerness,and irony and sometimes sarcasm that was oh so funny.
One evening many many moon ago I dove into a lake,the water,ahhhhhhhh .....no resistance just free flow and a man who followed me and in the middle we swam circles around each other and paddled in place and blew water fountains and then swam back to shore and made love on a rock,he fell asleep after and I found myself looking up at the stars,drinking in beauty,his,mine ,the infinite sky and that voice ,who when all is still is clarity/wisdom incarnate
"Leave now if you want to feel freedom,leave now" I chose to stay and hurt later
Access: Public
You are a free spirit and beautiful and The Most.
I love what you write and am your adoring fan.
_^_
Mimi the bestest of names ,now imbedded in my heart as the name of love and energy, she will be 5 in a month,and brownies and a wise woman who speaks her mind ,you are strong and oh so funny,and generous and lovely Mimi,thank you thank you thank you
I love the island and the man and the making love and looking at the stars. you have such wonderful unique way of expressing yourself
Jenni, JENNI!!!!! i was just over at your blog and left a message,are the flowers still in bloom in your garden? …she says dreamyly ( I know its not a word but in my world the speklling is mark on)
dearest B.B
what a coincidence. I saw your icon and felt a pull and dropped over to say hi and you were visiting me. that is cosmic.
thank you for your comment on the bus station. It is very hard when I lose contact and such a relief when I talk to them. I can relate to the fact that you had to call your brother to check on your son and how blessed you are to have him so near now
my garden is in need of weeding and I am on my way out there to get to work. The black eyed susans, some of the daisies and the sedum are still blooming. my adirondack chairs are waiting for you, just have to clear off the crabapples and the acorns. I will put a bottle of wine in to chill.
love always, jen
A weeding party that what we need…….a majah weeding party
Crab apples ,my Mom used to make a delightful jelly with them,that and rosehips.
big ole weeding party. yummy jelly
I love, love, love weeding. When I visit friends, I weed their garden as I approach the front door ;>)) Just can't resist. Save me a chair plz.
Mimi the sun is setting ,near twilight,the weeds can wait until tomorrow,while we stoke a little fire,pull blankets close to us as the temperature falls and share some laughter and wine,oh yeah could you bring some brownies or oatmeal cookies?
I am coming too okay?
Mimi is bringing da cookies.
I will bring some marshmallows.
cozy
Of course you're coming it's at your house
thats right I forgot. got confused. the patio is swept and the chairs are waiting. did some weeding today but there is lots left always.
Can you see many stars from your place?
yes lots of stars. there are a lot of trees in my back yard over the patio, but you can see through them. have to watch out for the acorns. my mother got bopped on the head with one.
Maybe I could fall asleep in the chair wearing one of these
Phew! thank goodness they don't make you choose between the leopard or zebra print. I was having a hard time choosing, until I heard you could get the 2nd one free. Wow! I am really wondering why they made those Giant sleeves. Who has wrists that big? And they are definitely a fire hazard when cooking, and not good for washing dishes. Design flaw? Maybe you just have to stick to watching TV, eating snacks, reading or knitting. It is a bit limiting ;>)
You just gotta read this to believe it,and that poor dog……oy vey
Fire hazard for sure,I kinda get the watching tv thing but cooking and washing dishes thing….for some reasons I'm hearing sirens. Cute and funny,liking the zebra print all that will be missing is me actually knitting wanna teach me?
something about those things remind of the stuff they wore on star trek and lost in space.
we will be space creatures in our adirondack chairs gazing at the stars.
just so you know I have to tell someone. today I went out to lunch with some friends and I put the silverware on my lap and the napkin on the table. there was no wine in case you wondered. I am going to be okay though. I just had to tell someone and since we are hanging out here…
“something about those things remind of the stuff they wore on star trek and lost in space.
we will be space creatures in our adirondack chairs gazing at the stars.”
I'm giggling,when there all together it reminds me of some kind of fleece cult,although I like my fleece and own some fleecy outerwear and a couple of blankets that Mimi still uses for her dolls.
“I put the silverware on my lap and the napkin on the table”
I was making a soup the other day and was straining the veggies to recoup the boullion,instead I did drain the veggies and by mistake emptied all that glorious stock down the drain. Oh well
Jenni your garden is just lovely thank you,now I'm off to work the irony of labor day
and I hope you are not working labor and delivery which would be even more ironic.
I don't feel so bad now hearing the broth story, although I did the very same thing except with an egg. I saved the yolk instead of the white. not as much of as a loss though. all that broth. I am sorry.
bye bye for now. glad you liked the garden
Hey BB,
I've done the exact same thing (redundant hahahaha) but just to make the point—I made vegetable stock out of all the veggie ends, with nice fresh herbs from the garden, and then put it through the colander with no catcher under it.
I love this one - Looking for my wallet and car keys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJDNsJEnWqk
I am free when I am connected to God. When I let go of having any problems and simply live in connection with the God within me. I work with real teachers who help me to clear out any old hurt or angst that gets in the way of connecting. Before I found the path I am on, I was confused about how to live connected to God but now I am being led to living that way 24/7.
Jenni you are too cute and no labor for me,not that kind anyways. Mimi I sent the link of the Girl creating the story with the sand to just about the entire world…..well my friends and brothers.
The shift went well so well in fact I stayed and did and extra one,then I proceeded to sleep the entire day and now I am awake and it's night and I have a god message,grrrrrrr
Gabriel I actually like the confusion,and the teachers that have made the most difference have been the one that just lived gracefully intensely,never suggesting for one moment that I should live the way they do,bc it's sheer arrogance to believe that we know what is right for someone else, it's presumptuous and you know what happens to people who are presumptuous….wedgies
Then adding the god dimension it's like telling someone how to make love when we find our way by letting go not by shackling ourselves up.
Putting the word god and free in the same paragraph is more ironic than me doing a double on labor day.
I am lost and I am trying find what you are talking about with the girl creating the story in the sand.
I even looked back at the snuggie commercial thinking maybe it was in there. but that really wouldn't make sense now would it, in a snuggie.
So where is it?
two shifts wowser. Sometimes it is not so bad right? work I mean.
I got frustrated the other day with a patient and I threw something across the room. He was lying back with his eyes closed so I am hoping he didn't notice. I had go and find it after I threw it because I needed it. It had ended up under a cart. That was kind of embarrassing. I am going to try not to ever throw anything again.
Oooops it was in reference to Mimi's blog
I watched and well see for yourself. As for doubles every once in awhile is o.k. haven't thrown anything yet ,have dreamed of it though.
I wish i had not thrown it. not good to lose one's temper, but I guess I learned from it.
I watched the girl with the sand. That really was amazing. How the heck did she learn to do that. Very haunting as well.
Well there is a difference between beaning a patients head with a scalpel and tossing a box of Kleenex that they didn't even notice you doing,the stress can be unreal sometimes
true!!
thanks for being so understanding. No I try not to throw anything sharp.
I do get frustrated though, not only with the patients but with not having the right instrument or a chord getting tangled or running out of something or whatever and being behind and people waiting. I could go on and on. I sigh a lot.
I sigh a lot too,that and do an inwards rolling of the eyes. When I first started doing this job everyone remarked on how sweet I was,then folllowed that with “That will change.” true I am no longer sweet,never mean,sometimes distant,overworked,tired,just plain nutso,often funny( at least I think so) humor the best medicine,and to hear people laugh well the edge is taken off and things just seem smoother
You are wonderfully human Jenni,wonderfully human.
I feel the same way about you b.b.
I think we would have a lot of fun working together.
lots of laughing. Gotta laugh.
I know we would be an amazing team. We laugh a lot at work we need it to survive it's the pressure valve to the job,if we didn't I'm not sure I could go back evening after evening,it helps to that we do things outside the hospital together as well,I suck at softball BTW,however some days my pool is passible,and I look cute on an adirondack chair in a garden. Jenni do you think it's too late to study dance as a profession ( at this point I would insert winking eye but have sworn off emoticons)
I wish I could transport myself and some how suddenly be working where you are in a situation that I have never worked before. I used to work in a hospital. it seemed like i did for ever but looking back it was for only 10 years and that was a long time ago now. it frightens me to realize that i have worked where i am now the longest- twenty years now and i still feel like i haven't quite gotten comfortable.
i loved working in a hospital- the OR, never worked in an ER. I miss the comrraderie. i can't be bothered to look up how to spell that.
I worked with a lot of other PAs then and as well as the nurses and OR techs. we had so much fun. that was the best part of the job as you say.
I am the only PA where i am now and always have been. i work amongst doctors and receptionists. we have fun but it is not the same and i spend way too much time actually working in a small room with patients that very often suck the energy right out of me and they leave with a part of me and i am left exhausted.
dance as a profession? well it is not too late to dance but not sure about professionally.
i bet you look awfully cute in an adirondack chair. i will put a blankie on you since it is getting chilly here.
love, jen
Jenni sometimes it's so busy,gurneys everywhere we take breaks in intervals of five mins,prescriptions coming out the wazoo,then if it's your night in the Code Room well you hold on to the light at the end of the tunnel called end of shift or if you are doing a double you zone into the nurse dance where all you think about is the priority list checking off the list,other nights it's so calm your ears ring with the silence…I would adore working with you the average age of my colleagues in the evening is 26,they still like Brittany Spears,they are beautiful and generous and kind,always asking me out ( too cut,I mean I could be their Mom),yet I miss my colleagues on the night shift all of us had grown kids, no one liked Brittany and we could all stomach beer at 8:30 in the morning
I can imagine how horribly busy it can be in the ER. I would have to go down there at times when I worked in surgery to deal with traumas( the worst) or to admit a surgical patient. I know what you mean about so busy it is scary and then dead as a grave yard.
I was young when I started where I am now. Well 35. I think that is young. I always tell the office manager that ” hey you never told me that I was going to grow old working here” I always considered myself one of the younger people. Now I am catching up with those that I always pictured as older. I have joined their ranks.
Oh well. not much you can do.
Well I'm slowly getting ready,I smell nice always important,my bun is in real tight,can withstand a hurricane I think,and my scrubs have been scrubbed,now all I need is a slight nudge to leave this chair ….one two three.
Jenni some days I feel ancient truly old and weary.other days I feel nothing timeless perhaps,I don't know if I will work here forever but the reality is I retire in 20 years so I better settle somewhere…or should I?