I imagine the orbs spinning the way she does sometimes spinning so fast that something is shaken off it's axis,out of it's orbit.....isn't that beauty though reeling me away from the familiar and into the ultra space? 

How only in sadness did I get it,feel it,holding up a sphere higher than myself,and feeling so damned connected.

Beauty resides in places that I thought I perhaps  shouldn't visit,it washed away rules and then I slept,and much much later I woke and slowly traced my own lips

A cool pool filled with set green jello and covered in just enough oil to make it possible to slide along the top for hours body bathing and fake lime,and then that raw soup he does and a glass of wine perfumed with black currants.

Night falling and that big star winking at me and you come down and kiss my nose and we go out to the boite that had us dancing circa 1980 and I  would scream out loud "what on earth possessed you to wear those earrings.......what are you wearing period,quick fashion police"...and I ran ,I ran so far away.

Really what do I want ,any blow my mind moment would be just fine. 

Taking Moe to school only to come back and spy these divine benches ( although I know in furniture speak they are called something else...bite me)

and I sort a did the 360 over and over and I'm not someone who picks things up and collects ,then a neighbor came out and I said how lovely I found them ( note to self find another word besides lovely,use too much,use too much), I asked her if they were outside to be picked up by someone and she said that the gentleman just lost his wife and that he was getting rid of everything,and then she said it was such a sad story ,she was so young,part of me wanted to know what happened I'm weird that way I always want to know how someone died, morbid curiosity....I didn't ask and she said I should take them and I asked if she wanted one and she said yes I said o.k. we'll each take one of these not benches that weigh 75kgs at least and open into some sort of settee, I'm hot for this style and poof on my sidewalk....and poof in my living room. Going through swatches in my mind.

Then we went to the Italian bakery up the street to get some sweets for after dark and the owner showered my daughter with cookies and she giggled in pure delight,and she's beautiful especially in the sunlight in a white summer dress ,on a September morn,the air warm the breeze divine,the sun restorative,and her hand in mine,the chubbiness of it long gone but it still fits perfectly,a hand which will soon be five,a mother who breaths grateful. 

Some days I can hold my breath and know that if I died that very moment I would have died amidst perfection, there is no recipe no steps to follow it almost invariably comes out of nowhere,the ordinary extraordinary and perfection well it is as hard to describe as the smell of nutmeg,you just know it when you smell it.

Nothing makes me feel safe,this moment is what it is,and moments are what they are,and somewhere I discovered the feel of grace,the feel of fear,the feel of silence,and the sound of my own heart,the question is not where do I feel safe but where do I feel,period.

at times it can be quite restrictive being me,nothing free about it,I pay a price inhabiting this earth,I can pick my own heart out of a line up,I can feel it beat and sometimes it feels heavy literally lourd,like a weight sinking sinking........

People who qualify their existence with "I am free" pique my interest,really you are free,how did you do that ? What's it feel like? Is there one of those state of the art robots living under your human skin,I am not free and I can be a bitch

As a teenager while filled with the prerequisite angst I found myself attracted to people who appeared free,the dynamic was otherwordly,many of us are still friends, still see each other still talk on the phone. It was an illusion they weren't free and my angst well....not quite disappearing completely,discovered itself in an embrace,accepted and loved,it also found the magical island of I Don't Give a Fuck,inhabited by amazingly strong and funny people,radiating relief and eagerness,and irony and sometimes sarcasm that was oh so funny.

One evening many many moon ago I dove into a lake,the water,ahhhhhhhh .....no resistance just free flow and a man who followed me and in the middle we swam circles around each other and paddled in place and blew water fountains and then swam back to shore and made love on a rock,he fell asleep after and I found myself looking up at the stars,drinking in beauty,his,mine ,the infinite sky and that voice ,who when all is still is clarity/wisdom  incarnate

"Leave now if you want to feel freedom,leave now" I chose to stay and hurt later

I caught this musical virus today,it happens sometimes a song is on constant rotation in my brain, for whatever reason ,well in this case catchy little tune with cool lyrics,I give it three days....max

Those Petit Bateau T's from the 90's

Come on Dorotka wipe your tears, there is no going home baby girl,Oz is but a memory that nostalgia feeds upon,but I know this place where everyone will eventually know your name,and no one uses euphemisms

I just can't seem to get enough of theses guys and I inadvertantly lost blog and comments trying to upload this song.

Deary me this album is gonna be spun until somewhere into the new year.

Plus I have the interest span of a banana....hmmm weird choice for comparison, wow it's going to be sunny again today,yes!!!!!!!!!!!..............banana phone

the drama the drama she says hand on forehead body weak

I like the silence of the woods,the smell the feel and of course above said miracle,being surrounded by it every day for a month well lovely lovely lovely.....foliage as titillation.....foliage as a reflection on life

My preferred contemplative time.......about thirty seconds before I give a rebuttal to any jerk who messes with me and the family....snap baby snap

I can have difficulty saying no and it sucks cuz it always ends with me not being me,instead I am the yes version of someone else,and since everyone else is clueless....kidding,sorta, it never works harmoniously,resentment,resentment and sometimes neck pain.

I run in cycles though and when pushed into a corner I do come alive...saying alive like this.

Recently no has been falling off my lips like saliva after the dentist...and I feel good

e.g said no to fresh dates the other day a double at work and sex,man I am so getting myself a new pair of boots ,yes to footwear baby,yes to footwear........momma's sporting a brand new attitude

This often means no parents in sight and trees that are actually beanstalks, tenacious stains on pants and hearts and the arms of parents at the end of the day. 

In the beginning we used to talk for hours and hours,I remember I would lay my head on his chest ,some nights I was lucky to get 2-3 hrs sleep,I rarely do this anymore often it's the children's voices that pepper the air.......I know deep down inside I should work harder at being that woman who listens for hours but I let it slip away,I am more a mother now than I am a wife,and more a wife than I am myself at times......forgive me universe for I have sinned.

Last night I got in late,I went out after work and got in around 3:00,he was there,he's up most nights...ramadan almost over he will sleep early again soon,we didn't say anything,0-20 and my eyes start to sting with reality ,that heightened sense found usually a couple of hours before sunrise, I have let go,and I don't know if I will ever go back........some places say so much without a word ever being uttered,and all the words in the world are not enough to say what 5 seconds and one look can convey

It's over and I will love you always

I already have been banking my feries, and along with the one week I'm taking off means that October will be the month where mommy is actually refreshed and fun,no longer covered in nap drool,no longer soldered to a coffee cup,and no longer two steps away from a well deserved nervous breakdown.....

This has literally been one of the weirdest most unpleasant,awe inspiring life changing summers that I have had the honor/horror of experiencing.

If it were not for the generosity of my family and friends and a couple of strangers,chocolate and beer,they might be talking me down off the ledge right now,which makes this fall all the more anticipated all the more welcome all the more ripe for fun fun fun, something myself and circumstance has been denying me.

This year I have vowed to carve the mother of all pumpkins, I know I know my track record is pretty dismal but I can feel it,my fingers are itching my soul is smiling this woman is ready BRING THE SQUASH ON!

I am going to dress up every day I have off,I am going to have reflexology done until my feeties are numb I am going to read a scary story to the children every night as a count down to halloween,hell I am going to make a calander,seriously once a year every day for month should start off with chocolate.

I have a plan,it involves my life,there might not be a reason for things happening there might not be an explanation as to why things turn out the way they do but there is a reason why I am on this planet and it's not to watch time pass by while I bite my nails and wail with angst,if I'm gonna be dramatic it's going to include tons of laughter and smiles,some chocolate and a pumpkin.

Death sucks,on a lighter note though what ever happened to Snow White cream soda? It tasted awful but smelt(smelled) divine...edit for Maze

Home is my body it is what follows me and what I follow and seek out,my home is the moment where I meets me,and where they meet themselves,a welcome mat for the soul

Home can look like so many things but really home is a feeling and it feels real nice.

I wanted a simple life I wanted to be loved I wanted to get used to the breasts I sprouted way to young,I wanted to understand the power of a kiss,instead of the almost revulsion I felt the first couple of times I wanted to inhale like the adults and blow smoke out my nose.....ewwwww....ahhhhhhhhh, I wanted to stick up for every under dog and save the world,I wanted to crawl into The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show,somedays I just wanted to be invisible.

I wanted to be able to express what I was feeling inside, the way so many poets had done,I wanted to be able to mix words up so that someone else could feel  what I was saying. I wanted to understand the weird sense of guilt I had when I touched myself and it felt so good I wanted to understand why so many things that felt good were considered bad,I still do,I wanted to know how people who seemed so in love let go of each other,how love can sour.

I wanted to stop being afraid,I wanted to know why people fell apart I wanted to run away from that place where the confidence ,the taking for granted of life ,that it is all ever after glitter, is replaced with uncertainty,with fluorescent reality.

I said over and over "I want to grow up!" and here I am thinking fondly of the young me,holding her in my arms and telling her that she has done good by herself that there is enough seconds in the next minute to be anything she wants,close your eyes,I want her to know that what I am and who I am are two different things,and somewhere around 40 I understood this.

Today it's my balls ,and a huge bellowing shout out to my babies and my friends

At first it's almost foreign,ear habits of a quiet place and then the new almost awkward sounds,distracting,yet the sound precipitates new beginnings ,always followed by memories and strength.

An author died yesterday,as did many people but still she will be laid to rest somewhere,not forgotten,molecules shot back into the universe.

They have gone for the week end,I miss them already,miss their smell miss their hands miss their faces smiles abundant and sincere,I am getting ready for October,this year we do it naturally smoothly without foresight or hindsight,like a car on a journey not on autopilot but instead we will take the road less travelled.

The sound of cars,replaced by the sound of breathing.

Child,go throw something,usually rocks at trees or into moving water

Tween,go to room and call friends

Teen,go to room,lock door and call friends,

Late teens ,go to room,lock door,call friends,open window,smoke joint

Early twenties,doscovered shopping in big city and stumbled upon second hand book stores

Early thirties,go to room,lock door call friends smoke joint

Fourties,remain calm,finish tasks,find some alone time,do not call friends do not lock door and never smoke joint...although recently I have been trying to remember what it felt like to be stoned.....OMG is this a sign of aging?

I have found that by making my body feel good the stress is somehow  released back into the universe in the form of relief.

Massage,intense sex,reflexology,stretching...all of it helps form clarity,bliss seems to follow intense for me.

The guide part is interesting in the sense that guidance is to be found almost anywhere,us being human and all,the state illicits wisdom from everyone at one time or another .

Still it's one thing to listen and apply, another thing to talk and believe.

Guidance its there for the taking,inside the molecules,waiting,anticipation,energy pregnant with possibility.

That said at the moment I'm full of a zillion thoughts and emotions that haven't been turned off for a few months,eventually the squall will die down and I will sit with the molecules for a bit.....just to say heaven forbid anyone is using me as a guide,an anchor maybe.

I like to wake up Moe and Mimi by laying beside them and whispering gentle thoughts.

Sometimes it takes a lot of gentle thoughts to wake them up.They both stretch divine,it is a beautiful glimpse at abandon so early in the day.

I am more reserved when waking up the other three,shyness on all of our parts,mingled with respect,still their stretches are divine and they make me smile,I remember when all of them were born,remember their Mom's face once so wracked with birthing pains her body almost levitated,to the still calm smile post c-section,joy mingled with pride.

It will be like this until December, then I jump into myself,or is it out of myself,I'm rather terrified at the prospect ,terrified with a side of relish,what am I made of,and just how long before I wake myself up by stretching with gentle abandon? How about tomorrow? Promise?.......no more promises

They are all in bed but for one,she's off ,young ,stunning,the most delightful laugh ever,a laugh that has remained the same since she was a toddler,out the door wanting to know if she should stay and help me with the children......no it's all under control and it's also what's keeping me together,pieces falling off and tasks glueing me back together, that and blogging , self indulgence of a wordy kind.

Physical attributes aside though,what would be the hardest thing to change about myself?

Somewhere deep inside there is a voice that makes me feel like crap at times. I know most of the song and dance to quell it's voice yet I am unable to silence it permanently,

I can go about doing this life thing for many many a moon with a mist of quiet confidence and violet,each piece falling into place each piece configuring over and over to form the most brilliant of patterns,so brilliant in fact that it seems to be able to affect all in it's vicinity, lovely and childlike.............then poof,Poof,POof,POOF

Earlier on it felt sheepish now  it feels sinister,I want to say unwelcome but like a vampire I actually had the slip of common sense and invited it in. How long it stays has always depended on how connected I have been to it's original source, how much of my blood I let it feed on.

The repellent ,garlic in the form of optimism,of faith of belief not in someone else but in myself,in life itself,as soon as that clove is crushed and the lucious fragrance permeates the air the voice has all but disappeared.