My bangs behaved

Sparkly and magical snow flakes ,just enough to make everything look like it's covered in fairy dust and yipee  they are announcing a storm for tomorrow and Thursday,I like snow storms,weather often feels like magic.

and then there were blackberries on sale for 0.99 cents,I already mentioned it in another blog but they magically turned into muffins and smoothies.

and maybe just maybe I'll start the gingerbread house,need to go and get some molasses though,gingerbread houses are always magical as long as you nibble on your own,right Gretel?

the Carlos kind

the Martin Luther King kind

the" man my fever is high kind"

the omg I haven't eaten in five days kind

all seem pretty real in the moment,the frenzy the focus,the absolute swept upon a wave of this is not the day to day,but somewhere in between each moment lies the possibility kind.

yeah focus is definitely key,that and being able to walk and talk and never be swayed by naysayers in fact I think when you are truly in that moment you no longer hear anything but the directions in your heart which are truly connected to your mind kind

Has to be able to burp and fart in public sans humiliation I mean I need ya to own it.

Never treads lightly on the truth

Has to be funny if you don't make me laugh I'm afraid it was not meant to be,I am a humor snob,I admit it,that's the first step right?

O.K. here's where I get a little difficult I am a stickler for being on time,if you are late too often that definitely puts a damper on things,unless of course you being late is the opportuity I could only have dreamed about 

That said I really have no list I'm not even sure of what it is that draws me in it happens when it happens,and when it does it's lovely what is more delightful than new friends more amazing than old ones?

I try to avoid the throwing of myself onto the floor writhing in soul pain,at least publicly,as much as I can ,yet secretely the drama queen in me feels the overwhelming desire to be closer to sadness than happiness,although I try to be BF with joy whenever possible,I like joy a lot.

I cannot get enough of books lately. The last time I read this voraciously was in my teens.

I got another cook-lifestyle-good for your health body and soul wise book,I got it just bc the title was cute "The  Kitchen Shrink" that and they were almost giving it away,plus the first page I turned to had asparagus I mean HELLO that and broccoli mouth watering.

Just to say I know that I am often wavering close to the edge,is it chemical,my wonky seratonin levels or is it too many carbs in the form of fruit and then, all that coffee,and my penchant sad movies and songs,I mean I have been like this since I can remember,I'm smiling in none of my baby pictures I actually look emo already,no one has ever said you are the happiest person I know ,nevah evah,more like have you ever read Sylvia Plath

I just seem to see the melancholy like everywhere,that said man I can feel joy so profound it moves me to tears,either way the grandest of states seem to move me to tears.

I'll let you know how the cook book works out ,wink wink which sounds like plink plink

There are days where I think the only thing holding me back from a full fledged tantrum is a full fledged 45 year old wonky back,oh yeah there was also that moment the other day when I wanted to actually strike my ( I'm not sure how to refer to him yet,soon to be ex,the children's father which will become confusing since I have two fathers to contend with,the freaking maniac bc some days he is,then there are the names prefaced with swear words etc.....,I'll keep on with him I guess)I literally wanted to pounce him,wrestle him to the floor and inflict pain,but I didn't instead I did the next best thing I told him his dick was small.......well not really,I just left and went for a power walk,him calling for me to come back,my middle finger itchy itchy,for once I will call it that,the  power being I got up hauled ass and decompressed in the sun,way healthier in the long run for us both.

Somedays I can be so driven by my emotions,my fingertips pulsing with anger with delight with sadness,seduction,compassion,the navigation precarious ,the navigation right on track,I feel niether 5 nor 500 at those moments I feel me,it feels right on mark.

I know that many people cherish discipline ,that honor others who posess self control but to me it feels almost scary when taken to levels where emotions are viewed as weakness and to show emotion almost a crime,it feels unnatural,yet that's me and in the scheme of things we are all mees,my inner voice at times saying "She's a right mess that one is" today my inner voice speaks like a brit,no offense to brits it was a great place to live as a child.

Today I'm cool we're cool,as long as I avoid too many triggers,as long as I actually follow myself,which seems quite obvious but really hasn't been in my case,stumped by events,by sadness,stagnating in bliss way too long bc eventually it sours having a best before date and thank goodness for that,as long as I don't ask myself how old I am acting but if I am acting in my own best interest then acting five in fact is the best route to take,that and few well placed naughty words .....and ......well we're good to go

Desperation

Hurt

fear

fig gelato

photo from flickr ,Dragan*

Luxury for some is a waste of time for others,or just waste period( I so know I could never be Amish,although the quilts divine and cleanliness thingy YES,the headress and god stuff,uh uh OMG no electricity definitely not,well not forever anyways) it is hooked onto words like wasteful and shame,and PE ( winky winky) yet in the end it is part of the color in my life the moments just passed doing nothing but looking at squash,the days spent laying languidly in a forest of leaves,of finding the absolute perfect perfume sometimes it costs a buck sometimes a whole paycheck,the luxury of being myself in a world that is set up for billions of mees not simple but in the end the only way when death is imminent for us all.

It hasn't always been easy me and luxury sometimes I didn'tlisten other times I felt ignored sometimes I even committed the sin of letting myself go of taking for granted,of becoming so lost in self indulgence that I lay there surrounded in soul sloth,funny how it could turn out to be one of the finest relationships I had in the sense that I learnt so much from it,about my strengths and weaknesses about learning to listen to know what I really want about letting go of false needs and embracing real wants,I blow you a kiss luxury I have been blessed

Photo from Flikr 

R. Duran

and if that doesn't work,there's always beer,yes,lots of beer

O.k. coffee in hand and time for a wee edit.

How do I respond,not very well at times,and then wham solid as a freaking rock,hello Peaches how's Herb oops Ashford and Simson ,and yet, I was so certain.

I'm not consistant that way I know there is a pattern to my life it's just not that obvious,to me anyways,and uncertainty,well I feel in a constant state of flux all the time,it rarely feels stagnant or predictable anymore,it almost feels foreign if were not for the dimples above my butt been there since I was born,or this voice which has been the same since I was five,my eye's are the same and when I look in the mirror( never before noon) it's me I see still there are these profound moments like mini shocks ,the ones that follow choices the ones that follow realizations and I guess that's where uncertainty lies,I never really know who I will be in two years hell in to minutes,I guess I could respond that I am amazingly strong almost zen in my approach but hey it's bc I stop talking when things feel awkward different,off,I suppose I could say hey I'm a mess and shut down and function rather poorly yet it only appears that way bc I pull away,sometimes just to stare at my toes,and sit while others talk,often strangers in cafes or parks dialogue predictable ,or dialogue like kaliedoscopes,that's it life is a zillion pieces falling into place mandelas and other patterns illusions and light, an interesting painful mindblowing lovely ball of color that never looks the same,I respond to uncertainly the same way you do ,it just looks different